13
by Bucketlove
Summary: Why the Captains don't have secretaries. Pre SS arc, no pairings. Rated T for language.
1. Hey General

"...And that concludes our meeting." General Yamamoto closed the meeting of the captains, tapping his staff onto the ground as a judge does his gavel.

_thud_

"Er, General, a quick suggestion, if you will." the midget captain asked, walking up to where the general stood.

"Go ahead, Captain." came the old man's reply.y

"Well, for those of us who have... incompetent subordinates who tend to dump all of the work on their poor captains, who now barely have anytime to themselves anymore, I think a personal errand runner might be of use to... these captains. A... secretary for lack of better terms, perhaps."

Captain Unohana, who had been eavesdropping, inturupted, "Things have been a bit busy in my division lately, I second the notion." she smiled.

"I guess it would be a good idea... Hey, everyone, get back in here." The general tapped his staff onto the hardwood floor again.

_thud_

A pause.

_thud thud_

Awkward silence.

_thud thud thud thud thud thud thud--_

The captains that had left came rushing back in.

The General cleared his old throat and took on a loud voice.

"To decrease the amount of workload and stress on the Captains of the Gotei 13, Captain Toushirou of the 10th division has proposed personal assistants for the Captains of Gotei 13. Those in agreement?"

"I" spoke most all of the captains, excluding Kenpachi.

"Then it's settled. Non-shinigami assistants will be assigned to all of the captains as soon as possible."

_thud_

_

* * *

_

"Hey, what's this about a new job?"

"My name's not 'Hey'"

"Ugh, Hasegawa Michiyo, my dear sister, what's this about a new job?"

"Thank you. The Gotei 13 is looking to take on some hired help for their captains, and I've been hired~ I'll just be working as a secretary, so I won't be in the front lines of battle. Plus it pays pretty well and provides room and board~ Mhmm. Take care of mum for me!" she gathered her belongings and darted through the door.

"Hey! WAIT!"

* * *

"Morita Atsushi, where on earth do you think you're going?"

"... Er, just out mother~"

"With a suitcase? You didn't elope, did you honey? Oh this is terrible!"

"Uh, well--"

"Why didn't you tell me? Did you think I wouldn't approve? Did you get that poor girl pregnant? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL MOMMY!"

"It'sanewjobbyemommy~"

"MY POOR-- wait where'd he go?"

* * *

"I promise I will bring honor to the Yamashita family and work hard to be the best!"

"That's our girl! We believe in you Chiharu! Yeah! Bring that honor back here and lock it in a display case for all to envy!"

"I promise I will! I'll work until my fingers ache and break off!"

"Yeah! Go Chiharu!"

"I'm off!"

* * *

"I'm so happy that I finally got a job~ Don't you think I'm lucky, little tree?"

...

"Yeah~ They better watch out! Akimoto Michiyo will be the best!"

* * *

"See ya Dad~"

"Where're you going?"

"To my day job."

"You've got a day job?"

"Yeah. Room and board included. So... yeah. See ya in a few months~"

"You're a weird kid, Kaito."

* * *

"Oh thank goodness I found a job away from here. I can't take this anymore!"

"Tch-- speak for yourself, Yumi."

"Have fun with the kids, darling~"

"Uncle~ I want rice. I WANT RICE!"

"And we want Octopus too! OCTOPUS!"

"Stop kicking me you little brats! YEOUCH!"

"Ahaha~ I'm leaving, goodbye my wonderful nieces and nephews~ Don't cause you uncle too much harm, and be good children until your parents get back."

"Okie dokie~ Bye Auntie!"

"You think she'll like the dead frog we left in her bag?"

"Without a doubt."

* * *

"Oh I can't believe our little Takai is already a working man~"

"Mhmm, now son, you gotta work hard and be productive, or else you'll fluster yourself. It'll be hard work, but you'll tough it out."

"Thanks Ma, thanks Pa, I'll do my best fer you, I promise."

"Well Ma, there goes our little boy~"

"Can't bare to see him leave, Pa."

* * *

"GOSETSUKE YUU! My god boy! Sit up straight! Fix your hair! Brush your teeth!"

"Alright! Alright! Stop nagging me!"

"Well YOU are not leaving this house until you're presentable. This is the Gotei 13 we're talking about! It's an honor and a privilege!"

"I know! I know all that! Sheesh, I don't even remember applying for this job."

"That's because I applied for you. Now get clean and get going!"

_mumble mumble_

"Yes mother."

* * *

"Oh god I'm going to be late. HURRY UP!"

"Lord, Kaida, do you really need an escort?"

"Of course I do, I'm a woman of importance now."

"For god's sake you're just a personal assistant!"

"Are you looking down on my position Seto?"

"Ugh, no _ma'am_."

* * *

"Work hard."

"Yes'm."

"Accept all challenges before you."

"Yes'm."

"Do a good job."

"Yes'm."

"And write to me every week, if you have the time."

"Yes'm."

"Good luck, Kuri. Come back and visit me whenever you get the chance."

_sniffle_

"Yes'm"

* * *

"Ooh~ I'm so excited for today! I heard that there are alot of tough guys there. Maybe I'll learn a thing or too."

"Ha, if you don't die first."

"Shut up, Kimi."

"Oh you know you're a wimp."

"... Shut up. I'm leaving. Bye family~"

"See ya, good luck son!"

* * *

"Konoe! Make sure you eat properly! Don't over work yourself!"

"Yes Dad~"

"Oh and make sure you don't get into too much trouble!"

"Or run out of money! Money is important!"

"Oh stop it!"

"Don't worry Dad and Papa, I'll do my best!"

* * *

"EEK! I can't believe I'm going to work under the Gotei 13! The captains no less~"

"Oh yeah, I heard some of them were really good looking."

"Mhmm~ I hope they're not too out of my league!

"Ah! I'm jealous of you! Jin you biatch! Haha, I'm just kidding."

"Oh! I better get going. See ya in a couple months!"

"Good luck!"

* * *

This is the story of 13.

Oh those poor captains.


	2. New kids on the block Part 1

_Hasegawa Michiyo_

_Aged 28_

_Female_

"Hasegawa Michiyo--" A rather plain Shinigami took role call.

"Here" called the curly haired brunette.

"You'll be working under General Yamamoto of the first division."

"Oh my god."

_Morita Atsushi_

_Aged 21_

_Male_

"Morita Atsushi--"

"P-present, sir." quivered the pale, black-haired kid.

"You'll be working under Captain Soifon of the second division, who is also the Commander-in-Chief of the Onmitsukidō branch."

"T-thank you."

_Yamashita Chiharu_

_Aged 28_

_Female_

"Yamashita Chiharu--"

"Is accounted for~!" cheered the tall, pig-tailed blonde.

"You're to be working under Captain Ichimaru Gin of the third devision."

"YESSIR~!"

_Akimoto Michiyo_

_Aged 20_

_Female_

"Akimoto... Michiyo?"

"Hmmm...?" questioned the half-asleep, short curly-haired brunette.

"Er, you'll be working for Captain Unohana Retsu of the Medical Division."

"Okay."

_Watanabe Kaito_

_Aged 22_

_Male _

"Watanabe Kaito--"

"Huh?" Quoth the dark-haired boy.

"Is to be working under 5th devision captain Sosuke Aizen."

_Sakamoto Yumi_

_Aged 43_

_Female_

"Sakamoto Yumi will be working under 6th devision captain Kuchiki Byakuya."

...

"Sakamoto Yumi?" the shinigami turned to Kaito, "She here?"

The bored new guy shrugged his shoulders.

The Shinigami sighed, "Sakamoto Yumi is to be dismissed for--"

_slam_

"Oh lord--" the intruder muttered as she burst in through the large doors, two shinigami clinging to her arms.

"I'm Sakamoto Yumi! I'm only here for my job! I told you that already! Let go!" screamed the older lady.

"Yumi...?" the unnamed shinigami flipped through his clipboard, "Mhmm, yup, that's her. Let 'er go, boys. Honestly, this is the sixth time today."

"Yeah, sorry boss." the two guards released her.

The lady was tall, thin in stature, and her was black hair done up in a kind of tight, mostly uniform bun. The two guards had shuffled out as the woman dropped to the hardwood floor, down onto her knees and knuckles. She cleared her throat, dipped her head, and began to apologize, "Please, forgive this little nuisance, I beg of you."

_Don't make me go back there with those brats!_

Was what she was really thinking.

_sigh_

"Very well. You'll be working under 6th devision captain, Kuchiki Byakuya. Have fun."

The woman dusted herself off, taking her place next to Kaito. She extended her arm out for a handshake.

Quoth the idiot-boy in a meant-as-a-joke manner, "I'm not shaking that shriveled hand of yours. Haha, Jus--"

A smack met his face.

* * *

A few minutes later, after shuffling through a bit of paperwork on his clipboard, the unnamed shinigami -who we're just gonna call Average Joe for now- continued.

"Hello, and welcome to the Gotei 13 team, Personal Assistants 1-6. I'll be your supervisor for the time being. To save time, you've been split into two groups. The second group, who'll be going later, should arrive shortly after you leave. Mhmm~ you six have been assigned to Sugimura Misa. She'll be your guide for the day, introducing you to your Captains, and basically showing you around the Gotei 13 campus. HEY MISA."

"Well hello there new members~!" A peppy older woman with her brown hair flipped out in classic 60's mother style shuffled into the room, wearing the basic shinigami garb, and donning the essence of a classic camp counselor, complete with an accent.

"Mhmm, we'll be showin' you around the Gotei 13, yeah? Well let's get going then!" she marched out, expecting the others to follow.

They just kind of stood there.

"Well get along if you don't want to lose your jobs. I've got another lot coming in after you. Now hurry! Shoo!" Average Joe ordered. The new secretaries shuffled out.

* * *

"Well, this is Gotei 13, division one." They stopped in the middle of a walkway outside, not to far from where they had exited. "This is where the Acting General Genryūsai Shigekuni Yamamoto, Lieutenant Chōjirō Sasakibe and the rest of Division One stay. That big building over there is where the General's office is, and also where the captains hold their meetings. Let's go in, yeah?" the aged woman pointed and marched on, the others following along in a less-than-uniform line.

A grand building it was, they walked past some of the bigger doors, "...And that's where the Captains are having their meeting~" Were introduced to the lavatories, and then to a mid-sized desk, which stood alone in the hallway, a little to the right of the door that led to the General's office. Misa took the name tag off of the desk.

"We have a Michiyo here?"

Two different hands arose from the small crowd of six. Misa looked back down at the nametag.

"Oops, my bad~! **Hasegawa** Michiyo."

The smaller hand dropped, and the taller girl shuffled through the small crowd.

"Mhmm~ This must be my desk."

"You betcha~! There's a little guide in one of the drawers that you might wanna read over later, but for now you might wanna continue on with the tour. We're gonna continue the tour through division six, yeah?"

And that's what she, and the others did.

* * *

Hasegawa Michiyo stayed with the group the entire tour, which lasted about an two hours or so. She couldn't really tell time by the sun.

"Well that's it for our tour today. How 'bout we get you back to your desks and get you working, yeah? The captains should be close to ending their meeting, and I'm sure they're excited to see ya."

* * *

And back to their desks they went, secretaries 1-6~

We'll see how they fare, later.


	3. New Kids on the Block Part 2

A sigh.

Average Joe flipped through his clipboard and checked the time.

"Let's just hope that this group's a bit better."

How wrong he was.

"Bring 'em in Hiro."

The other shinigami in the room nodded, taking slow steps towards the large door. Opening it, he walked out into the waiting room outside.

"Kuga Takai, Gosetsuke Yuu, Masachika Kaida, Kaoin Kuri, Nanba Raidon, Shimizudani Konoe, and Suzuki Jin, we are ready for you~" he called out.

The names called murmured a bit and finally got up, walking through the large door which Hiro had been holding open. Some gave a polite thanks, others just ignored him, and a busty blond gave him a small wink. This was ignored.

"Alright, alright, settle down newbies." he commanded in a subtle voice.

_chatter_

"Hello?"

_more chattering_

"HEY!"

The chattering started to die down.

Average Joe scratched his head and looked to his co-worker for support.

Hiro gave him a small smile in return.

"Okay, alright. I'm your supervisor. That means I'm in control of your pay, your jobs, and your boarding, so try not to get on my bad side."

He cleared his throat and looked down at his clipboard yet again, flipping few a few pages.

"Alright so now, I'm gonna take role call now. If you're not here you'll be fired, and we'll find a replacement for you."

"Kuga Takai--"

"Yes?"

"You will be working under Captain of the 7th division, Sajin Komamura."

"Gosetsuke Yuu"

"What?"

"Stop interrupting! The last group did that too. Just let me go down my DAMN LIST."

Average Joe's nose scrunched up and he straightened himself out.

He cleared his throat as a bit of chatter could be heard from the busty blond and the taller girl.

Joe just started at them as their gossiping session ceased.

The disgruntled supervisor continued, "Gosetsuke Yuu will be working under 8th division captain, Shunsui Kyoraku. Masachika Kaida will be working under Captain Kaname Tousen of the 9th division, and Kaoin Kuri under the 10th division Captain, Toushirou Hitsugaya. Working under Kenpachi Zaraki of the 11th division will be Nanbu Raidon. Shimizudani Konoe is to be working in the 12th division under Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi, and Suzuki Jin will be working under Juushirou Ukitate, Captain of the 13th division. Any questions?"

"Uhh--" the blond raised her hand.

"Great, ok. Hiro here will be your guide for the day, answering any questions you may have, and showing you around Gotei 13. Now shut up and get out of my hair if you don't want your pay docked."

The new kids shuffled out through the door, that again, Hiro had held open for them. The new employees exchanged unsure glances with each other as their guide started to speak.

"Hello little younglings~ My name is Yamanaka Hiro, and I'll be you guide through Seireitei today. Let's get going, shall we?" he smiled and started to walk off.

"Let's start off with the basics. If you didn't already know, there are 13 divisions that make up the Gotei 13. The first division is headed by General Yamamoto, and that's all there really is to know about that one. The second division could also be called Onmitsukidō, or the Secret Mobile Corps. Even though they're separate, they're headed by the same person, which is why I count them as one entity. Never call them ninjas, because they get really pissed about that. Fourth division is like a hospital. Have anything that ails you? An injury perhaps? You go there to get it all fixed up. The Fifth Division is the postal office of Gotei 13. They pass along important messages to important people. You may be seeing them a lot. Now there are seven others, but those are the ones we'll be touring through, so I'll explain them as we go along. Alright, any questions?"

The curly-headed brunette spoke up, "Well, uh--"

"Alright then~ Let's go. It'd best to finish the tour before the captains get out of their meeting, yes?" Hiro took a small map out of his pocket, "How about we start with the 7th division first? That sound okay?"

"Well, actually--" spoke the ponytail'd girl, only to be cut off by Hiro.

"Okay~ let's go!"

And so began their tour.

* * *

As they finished their little rendezvous through the 11th division, the captain's meeting had ended.

"Kenny! Kenny! There it is~! See, you should listen to me more!"

"Oh! I guess you were. I wonder if they sent over my new lackey yet. What'cha think, Yachiru?"

"They said he'd be over sometime after the meeting~ Maybe he's already here! QUICK TURN LEFT!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Captain of the 11th division, Zaraki Kenpachi." Hiro smiled, shuffling his way to the back of the crowd.

"Ah! Right again! Haha, maybe you should be my assistant!" The large captain looked down upon the new employees. "Hey which one 'a you is..." he took a short break for a secretive meeting of whispers with the small girl perched, like a parrot, on his shoulders. "Zanra Kairon."

"Kenny!" the short lieutenant whispered something into his ear.

"Oh yeah, uh, Nanra Raikon! He here?"

"Uh, it's Nanba Raidon, Captain. Rai for short." A short, spiky-haired, red-headed boy shoved his way through the small crowd from the back and bowed. "It's an honor to be working under you!"

"Git up, Raymon. Let's see how strong ya are!"

"And now we leave." Hiro started to back away slowly.

"But what about--" stated the taller girl.

"Leave. Now."

Kenpachi got that grin on his face as he unsheathed his sword.

"Come on! Now~!"

"Hey wait!" Raidon called out in despair

The small crowd of new employees left their soon-to-be-fallen comrade with his new boss.

"And that is why it's cool to be smart and stay away from the 11th division." Hiro gave his all too familiar grin, and continued on with his tour.

* * *

"The building you see standing before you is the 12th division, otherwise known as the R&D institute! The members of this division are often ordered to collect data and samples for R&D. R&D stand for the Shinigami Research and Data Institute, of course. The captain of this division is Mayuri Kurotsuchi. Try not to mess with him. He's got some special tricks up his sleeve~! I'm serious though. Don't screw with this guy. He's messed up."

Upon hearing this description, most of Group Two seemed hesitant to go in. "Well come on, now! We're burning daylight!" Hiro chirped, his pleasant demeanor back.

The group cautiously shuffled in, looking around warily.

"Oh relax, nothing's gonna jump out at you. They keep that stuff in the back." The cheery guide stated.

"Ah, you must be the new assistants. Captain Kurotsuchi is excited to meet you."

"Oh~ The beautiful Lieutenant Nemu Kurotsuchi, everyone. Yes, we've got his assistant right here! Ah, Shimuzudani Konoe, was it?"

"I'm here." A taller, dark-haired boy with short hair brushed to the side in the front stepped up. "It's a pleasure to be working with you and your Captain, Lieutenant." he extended his hand and smiled.

Nemu took his hand, shaking it, "Ah, it's best not to keep Captain Kurotsuchi waiting. I'll show you to your desk."

The two turned the corner and left, quietly conversing.

"Well then, let's get on to our final stop, shall we?"

* * *

"My friends, I would like to welcome you to the 13th division, also known as the Communications division. This division is captained by Juushirou Ukitake. He's a good natured man. Yeah, mhmm. Poor man had Tuberculosis, though. That's the disease were you cough a lot. Not good. Now, before we go in, I'd like to tell you about his ... acting lieutenants."

"Wait, lieutenants? I thought--" called the busty blond.

"Sentaro Kotsubaki and Kiyone Kotetsu are a bit... overprotective of their captain, and you may get a few nasty looks from them. I'm even surprised an assistant was assigned to this division. I mean... well you'll see."

Another Average Joe like shinigami approached the group, "Are you the new assistants? Come, Captain Juushirou is expecting you." he stated, mentioning them to follow.

They came to a large pair of doors, a mid-sized desk outside. The average shinigami knocked on the door. Harsh coughing could be heard on the other side, but it eventually died down. Two worried voices advised the captain, "Captain Juushirou! You really shouldn't see anybody right now!"

"It's fine, really! Er, come in, please!" a voice called.

The shinigami opened the doors, bowing upon entry. "Captain, we have your new assistant here."

"Ah, yes. I believe A Suzuki Jin is to be working with us?"

The busty dirty-blond stepped up, smiling and cocking her head to the side. Kiyone and Sentaro gave a forced hello.

"It's nice to meet you captain. I look forward to working with you." she gave a slight bow.

"Well, Captain, Jin, we should be taking our leave now. I'm sure the other captains would like to meet their new employees, and it would be rude to keep them waiting." Hiro smiled.

"Yes, of course! Don't get into to much trouble, now." the captain waved and said his good bye, as Hiro and the rest of Group Two exited the 13th division building, and went back to their assigned divisions.

* * *

They took careful heed to his words.

Pfft. Oh, sarcasm.


	4. Tea Time With General Advil

Michiyo sighed, piled up her oh-so-generous amount of paperwork her boss had assigned, and looked at the tiny clock propped up on her desk.

It was a rather plain clock, thin, black-frame with a white face, two black, spaded arms (one shorter than the other,) and a hair-thin red arm that slowly ticked away the seconds into minutes and minutes into hours. It ran pretty well; Michiyo had sped it up 5 minutes ahead. She was a prim and proper girl who liked to be early for everything. Today though, she felt a little off. Not sure why.

"10:05" it read, as the hair-thin arm ticked away. It was morning, and her work day had 'officially' begun.

Actually, her work day started at around 7:00, but things started to get very, very hectic around ten o'clock.

This is when her esteemed employer got up.

We'll just say he's more of a night owl.

"Hey! You! Where is my tea? WHERE IS MY TEA! Open that door! For God's sake LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU." some things that most people didn't know about General Yamamoto is that he isn't himself until he's had his morning tea. No one in the first division really liked to approach him before then. Another thing that most don't know is that he sometimes wakes up with terrible headaches.

Guess what.

Michiyo swallowed and bowed deeply. He had aroused an ancient pet peeve of hers. She brushed a strand of curly brown hair behind her ear, and grabbed a container out of her desk, "Sir, have you taken your Advil today?" she handed the child-safe container to her employer and opened one of the enormous doors with much effort.

"My head is throbbing. Of _course_ I didn't! I thought you were smarter that this! Now go get me my tea before my head bursts!" the elderly general had calmed down just a bit.

"Yes sir."

* * *

Michiyo went off as she ran into the lieutenant of her division.

"Aren't you late?" The poor girl really shouldn't have stopped. Not with the General and his lack of Advil and tea. Curiosity had gotten the better of her, though.

"Aren't you?" the normally proper man teased, happy as a sixth grader who had just been asked out on his first date. Michiyo didn't seem amused.  
"Haha, just kidding little Michiyo~! Ever since you've been hired, my mornings have been like heaven. No waking up to, 'The General wants you, now!' or 'My head hurts! DO SOMETHING!' Nope~ I've got less paper work now, too. I've actually got some time so myself! I can get a trim, or go shopping, or listen to smooth jazz..." he rambled on like this for a while. His eyes were glistening. The rather late assistant was about to take her leave, when his mouth formed a small 'o'. "Oooh~! I almost forgot in my bliss! I bought some tea over the market, it's really good, you know. I thought I'd give you some today!"

"Oh, er, thanks! I've got to be going, I'm afraid, I've still got to brew this up and get some more advil on my way back."

She really shouldn't have. She really, really shouldn't have. Could've been poison for all she knew! 'Never trust anyone.' her mother had always told her. There was just something weird about today that made her accept the unmarked tin.

"Ooh~ Funny, I just came from there~! I probably shouldn't keep you waiting, though! Bye-bye~!" Sasakibe skipped off into where she had just exited from, and Michiyo took off running to the Division 1's community kitchen.

Ah, yes. The First Division community kitchen and cafeteria. A rather simple place, designed in the architecture of the ancient orients, bamboo and all. The kitchen, though was rather high-tech.

Yes, that's right. This baby comes equipped with all of the latest and greatest cookery utensils and apparatus under the sun! The large fridges have enough space to pack the best ingredients you can find in Sereitei, plus all of your brown-bagged goods! Order now!

There was a pot of cold water on the large stove. She grabbed a canister out of one of the very very large cupboards and waited for the water to boil. Out of another, grander cupboard she grabbed a cup of fine china and a plate to act as a coaster.

A rather elegant and intricate design was crafted onto the cup. The assistant noticed this as she shoved it into a little carrier bag, especially designed for these things. She started to pour some of the pre-ground tea leaves, as a shinigami walked in.

"Hey, you're the new secretary, aren't you? What kind of tea are you using?" she inquired, a worried look on her face.

"My name isn't 'Hey'. It's Hasegawa Michiyo, Ms. Hasegawa to you, Miss. For your information, Lieutenant Sasakibe gave these to me. They look like black tea, or something."

"Oh."

"Why?"

"Er, nothing, I should probably get going now, haha." The female shinigami forced a laugh, a nervous look on her face as she exited the kitchen slowly, looking back and forth.

"Huh, weird." The girl finished pouring in the pre-grounds. She plucked the now-boiling kettle from it's burning perch and tipped it slightly, it's spout pouring the scorching liquid into her canister, adding a few packets of sugar along with it. Apparently that was how he liked his tea, which was weird, because sugar in tea was normally a Westerner thing.

She screwed the cap back onto the canister, hoisted the china-filled shoulder-bag onto her shoulder and got on her way.

"Oh, that's right, I need to get Advil. Then again, though, I'm already a bit late, and I'm sure the General is raising hell right now. I'll guess I'll do it after I've brought him his tea." she talked to herself as she scurried down the walkway back to her work station.

* * *

"Why're you so happy, Lieutenant?"

"Oh~ because." he smiled.

"You better not have slipped something into my tea."

"Just something tasty~"

"We'll see about that you whippersnapper."

* * *

"Oh good grief, I hope I didn't chip the china." the assistant mumbled to herself as she set out a tray, taking the canister and setting it on her desk. She took out the delicate china, which (thankfully) wasn't chipped, and poured some of the nice smelling tea into it, careful not to spill any.

Picking up the tray holding the delicate china which was holding the odd black tea waitress style, she knocked on the grand doors carefully.

"Come i~n!" called Sasakibe in his new, slightly creepy, sing-songy voice.

She pushed one of the doors open with her back, now carrying the tray holding the delicate china which was holding the nice smelling black tea with both hands. The brown-haired secretary bowed deeply, arose and walked towards the desk with attempted grace. Her new fancy-pants shoes weren't working for her.

Oh dear oh dear it was an awfully long walk to the General's desk. The sun was glaring in her eyes through the needlessly long window on the east and west sides of the room.

"Ah!"

Oh dear oh dear, poor little Michiyo had lost her footing. Did she fall? What had happened?

"Oh thank God."

She sighed. The girl managed to regain her footing at the last minute, checking to make sure that not a speck of tea dropped onto the tray or the delicate china which was holding the bouncy, odd tea. Thankfully there was no tea on the tray.

"I haven't got all day!" her employer called out.

Michiyo managed to walk at a faster pace, she was going very slowly.

Placing the tray holding the delicate china which was holding the nice-smelling black tea on Yamamoto's desk, she took a step back, bowed, and watched carefully as he took his first sip.

He smacked his lips a few times, taking in the rich flavor of the odd tea.

"Hmm, American Classic Governor Gray Loose Tea..."

"American... Classic?" Michiyo's expression grew horrified as she exchanged looks with Sasakibe's more gleeful one.

"Are you short of hearing? Yes, American Classic Governor Gray Loose Tea, grown only in Wadmala island, South Carolina, America, on the Charleston Tea Plantation." her employer frowned, "Who exactly gave you this tea? Don't you know I'm not fond of western things, including western teas?" he was firm in his tense as his eyes glowered on Michiyo.

"Er, y-yes sir." her eyes searched the floor as it would give her some kind of solace. Silly girl.

"Then why exactly did you serve it to me?"

"S-Sasakibe gave it to me on my way out. He said you would l-like it."

"Stop stuttering, Hasegawa. Don't you know it's rude? Sasakibe, my lieutenant, is this true?"

"You betcha, General~!"

"I see. You're dismissed, Hasegawa Michiyo. Do practice walking in those shoes."

Michiyo swallowed and and bowed, again, "Yes sir."

Leaving, she walked slowly out of the grand office, closing the large door behind her, and carefully closing it.

Well she had gotten through that fist hour of the day farely well, she thought. She sighed, and sat back down at her desk. It was going to be a good day.

"HASEGAWA! GET OFF OF YOUR ASS AND GET ME MORE ADVIL!"

Maybe a very long day.

* * *

The rest of the day, General Yamamoto of the First Division remained irritated and moody.

Oh how Hasegawa Michiyo loved her job.

* * *

**A/N:** Eep, I'm starting not to like these, especially writing them. But I guess I need to give you some explanation on the exceptionally-late edition of '13'. Me and my father had gotten into a disagreement, and well, you know what happens next. So yeah. Sorry for this terribly-late, terribly-written chapter, hopefully the next one will be more successful. I'll try to update every few days or so, according to my schedule. Just giving a heads up. Also, a special thanks to all of my reviewers, and everyone who add '13' to their favorites list/ alert list. I'm not a very good comedy writer, so some tips would be appreciated. Thank you for reading '13'!

--Epic


	5. Soi Fon vs Microscopic Organisms

Angry footsteps approached from the other side of the shut door. The neat nerd on the opposite side of the door where the loud footsteps could be heard was terrified to say the least.

He was Morita Atsushi, aged 21 at his time of death. Tall in stature, yet small in confidence, he bit his lip, trying to make himself look busy with his paperwork. Poor boy was absolutely terrified of his boss.

"Morita!" the captain favored to call him by his last name, "I have more paperwork for your to do! Did I get any calls?" she walked up to his tiny, plain desk and handed - no- slammed a small stack of papers onto his desk. The young man noticed the slight wheeze in her voice. He took a quick glance at her face, (which was paler than usual, and her nose was ... dripping,) and stared for a few seconds, then quickly looking back down at his desk, hands folded in his lap.

"Y-yes ma'am."

What a girly boy.

"What. Why are you looking at me like that?"

"..."

"Well?"

"..."

"You gonna answer me or are you gonna sit there and be fired? (And maybe stabbed while I'm at it....)"

"W-w-well-"

"Yeah?"

"It'sjusthatyoudon'tlooktoowellImeanyou'reaveryprettywomanandall--" the boy took a breath, "--." the boy managed to splutter out some slightly-decipherable gibberish. Morita bit his lip and winced.

Soi Fon managed to get enough out of it. "Sick. SICK. Whatever gave you that idea? Huh? Was it the pale skin? The-the snot dripping down my nose? The damn wheezing in my voice?" It was obviously not Soi Fon's time of the month.

"Well, um... um, I kind of thought... you maybe should go home...?" his employer just stared at him, he swore he saw an eye twitch. "Um, I mean, I um could maybe er, take care of the paper work maybe?" he licked his lips nervously.

The disgruntled ninja/captain strummed her fingers on his plain desk, boring holes into his very soul. "You know what? That sounds like an awful good idea. That's just a shitload of genius right there. That I could just leave my _top secret_ and almost-impossible-to-complete-unless-if-you-were-there-paperwork to a tiny secretary?" a pause "Yeah, didn't think so bitch. Besides, even if you could handle all of my _top secret_ and almost impossible-to-complete-unless-if-you-were-there-paperwork to my tiny secretary, that's you, I couldn't. I just got done lecturing on Omaeda to stop taking sick-days because it's flu season and he's worried he'll get 'germs', and start acting like a freaking man, and you know what happens? That bitch called Karma happens. Damn flu season..." Soi Fon's nails were now digging into the poor old plain desk.

Morita was plain old shaking in his boots. Or sandals or whatever. I don't know, I'm not Japanese.

"Well, um, uh, ah..."

" Yeah?"

"Sh-should I go over to Fourth Division and-" gulp "maybe get some NyQuil?"

"No. Get me Tamaflu."

"T-Tamaflu? I-I thought the Gotei 13 had the H1N1 vaccine already.*" still quaking.

"That's the thing that flipping pisses me off. We haven't even gotten a shipment from the Japanese government yet! Whatever happened to the goddamn policy of respecting the goddamn dead! Especially when we're saving their goddamned asses from things that want to kill them and eat their souls!"

Morita was speechless.

...

And still quaking like a little girly-boy.

"Well what the flipping hell do you think happened? It's been THREE MONTHS." pause "You gonna answer boy?"

"W-well, the current Japanese government doesn't know we exactly exist, but uh--."

"Then we'll just have to make our existence known, then."

"Uh, er, C-captain Soi Fon, I don't thinks that's the er, best idea--"

"Omeada, ready my Onmitsukidō troops! We leave for the real-world at midnight!" the captain walked back into her quarters, much to Morita's relief.

The captains screeching did not cease, though. Oh no, she went on. Quite amusingly, actually, "No! We're not going to the convenient store to buy the new flavor of Pringles! My freaking life is at stake! ... Why? Because a tiny microscopic organism named after a pig could have invaded my body system that first seems like the common flu or cold! What would happen if I were to die of the common flu or cold? ... You meant the chips? THE GODDA-- Wait, what flavor? ... Okay, fine. We'll go to the convenient store."

The young secretary girly-boy glanced to his side where the door still lie open. He got up from his chair slowly, and trembled as his hand reached for the door handle.

"MORITA!" he jumped, and yelped like a startled chihuahua. "Do not, I repeat, DO NOT forget to pick up my Tamaflu before midnight!"

"Y-yes m-ma'am!" he quickly shut the door and trembled to his desk, pushing his chair in. The poor employee began his long journey to the Fourth Division.

* * *

The respected Captain Soi Fon and her Onmitsukidō were retained at 11:59 pm, EST. The captain almost received a dishonorable discharge, but was saved by her ulterior motive to acquire the new flavor of Pringles that had just come off of the shelves.

This caused more pain and suffering for Morita.

* * *

**A/N: **Sorry for the late update thar. :U Arharhar. Anyways, sorry for this short, terrible, and mostly incorrect chapter, I'm in a hurry, and I know that if I didn't finsih it now, it would never get to see the light of FF net and burn your eyes with it's terribleness. Yay for not finishing things. You see that button? Click it. Also looking for a Beta-reader. May start up a new FMA fic called "Three women go on a journey to find a common enemy and some other people." It's about an old rich lady clinging to youth, a young woman with no teeth, jaw bone, Cochlea, legs, or right arm, and a homunculus who was the dead wife of the ex-boyfriend of the young woman, who also had an extensive bar tab to be payed to the old rich lady clinging to youth.

V


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